


One Step At A Time

by grandpajumpersandeyelashes



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, FTM Kieren, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Trans Character, Trans!Kieren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-03-24 17:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3776428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grandpajumpersandeyelashes/pseuds/grandpajumpersandeyelashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karen Walker never really felt right. She wasn't really who Kieren was. But coming out, especially in a small town like Roarton, is a difficult process. Kieren wants to tell people, but knows that it is something that has to be done, one step at a time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jem

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I chose to write this one after Painting Flowers rather than Somewhere In Neverland (the sequel to After The Raven Has Had Its Say which I promise will be written over the summer) for a few reasons, but I hope you'll all still enjoy it. I'm excited for it personally, as a lot of things that are a bit personal to me are in it. I hope I can do this right, but if I do anything bad or any of you take offence to any way I have worded things, please call me out on it. I want to make this as good of a fic as possible, not make anyone uncomfortable or upset. I'm reading through things and thinking they sound fine, but if they aren't, I want to know. Thanks so much for deciding to read, I hope you all enjoy!

Loud music poured out of the door across from Jem’s. She had been waiting for the music to shut off so that she could go ask what was, well, a bit of an embarrassing question. She didn’t know how long she had been waiting. Probably nearly an hour by this point. How long did it really take to finish getting ready after a shower?

She shifted her weight nervously, standing outside the door. Her hand hovered for a moment as she weighed the pros and cons of just knocking on the door. She figured it would be hard to hear the knocking over the bass line, so waited just a bit longer until the song was over. As the final chord resonated, she took a deep breath before pounding twice before opening the door, just as she always did.

“Karen, I need to ask you something-” Jem began before being cut off.

“Jem, get out!” Karen screamed at her sister, jumping behind the canvas she had been working on.

“Karen-” Jem tried to beg.

Making a noise of frustration, Karen shouted. “Get out, Jem!” she ordered harshly.

Frozen by her sister’s harshness, Jem’s lip began to tremble. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you mad, Karen, I just... I just...” she began to cry.

Karen sighed, eying the bed where the flannel she had laid there with the intention of wearing later was. “It’s alright Jem, you can stay, just... Just turn around a second, ok?” She told her, waiting to see her sister’s back. “Ok, I’ll be just a second.” she said, pulling it over her shoulders.

“Why is your bra so weird looking?” Jem asked, just as one would expect a curious 9 year old to blurt out.

Karen quickly wrapped the shirt closely to her. “I told you not to look, Jem!” she hissed, throwing a glare at her younger sister.

“I didn’t!” Jem defended herself, whipping around. “I didn’t look, Karen, I swear I didn’t!” she told her. “I just saw you when I came in and I just wanted to know...” she practically whimpered, again on the verge of tears.

Karen sighed. “Come here, Jem...” She reaching out and pulling her sister in her arms. “I’m sorry I yelled, ok? Please don’t cry...” she told her, hugging her tightly. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you to come in, ok?”

Jem sniffed. “Did I do something?” she asked. “You’ve never been mad at me for coming in before, I thought you said if I ever wanted to I could...”

Karen drew a deep breath, feeling the homemade binder squeeze around her ribs just a bit too tight as she slid a bit away from her sister, looking her in the eye. “Jem, I’m sorry, I know I told you that. You didn’t do anything, I just didn’t want anyone to see me.”

“Why not? Because your hair is all up like that? And you have that weird thing on?” Jem asked her sister. Karen’s eyes grew wide as she whipped the hat off that held her hair on the top of her head, concealed. “I mean, I like your hair like that. It’s cute.” she told her, trying to cover the previous comment.

Karen couldn’t keep a stern look for long after that. A small smirk crossed her face before a chuckle came out. “Gee, thanks, Jem.” she laughed, nudging her younger sister who started to smile again.

“No problem, sis.” Jem returned with a laugh. They sat on Karen’s bed next to each other, smiling. Karen hugged one of the pillows to her stomach, facing her sister as they each laughed, Jem mimicking her pose.

“Hey, stop that, copy cat!” Karen laughed, leaning forward and tapping Jem playfully on the nose. When she sat back up, she blushed to see that her flannel had gapped down a bit, again exposing what she had been trying to avoid discussing with her younger sister.

“Hey, Karen?” Jem asked tentatively. Karen hummed questioningly at Jem, waiting for her to continue. “What is that, anyways?”

A lot of thoughts crossed her mind. She could lie. It wasn’t like Jem would know anything about that sort of stuff anyways. She could just make something up, say it was for her painting or something, Jem would believe that. Jem believed everything she said. Jem had so much faith in her older sister, looked up to her so much, and Karen knew that. That’s why she knew she couldn’t lie.

“Jem, I... I need to talk to you about something really, really personal. Please don’t tell mum and dad.” she tried to sound confident, though her voice almost broke. Jem’s face sobered, looking Karen in the eye before nodding. “Jem, I don’t think... I don’t think I’m a girl.” Karen finally spat out, lip quivering. “It just, it doesn’t feel right, Jem, and I don’t know, I feel better like this, and with my hair... And...” Tears spilled down her cheeks as she dropped her head.

Years later, Jem wished she would have given her older sibling a hug, promised that everything was ok, and promised that she would love them no matter what. Little did she know, what she did next was worth all that and more. “Does that mean you’re my brother?” she asked, curiously. “Because I’ve always wanted a brother.”

A laugh found it’s way through the tears streaming down Karen’s face. “I suppose it does, Jem.” he told her, a smile crossing his tear streaked face. “I love you, sis.” he said honestly, reaching out to hug her.

“I love you... Bro.” Jem replied, making her brother’s smile grow ten fold.

\---

It was hard for Jem not to excitedly tell everyone that she had a brother. She had to remind herself that it was his choice to not tell people yet. She understood, but made a point to always call him bro when they were alone. It was her little way of assuring that he knew she cared about the fact that he was in fact her brother, not the sister she had long called sis.

One day while he was off with Rick, Jem got to thinking about names. Karen wasn’t exactly a convincing boys name, she decided. She frowned, suddenly wondering what she should call her brother since Karen is certainly a girls name. She had friends named Karen, all girls. Her brother might look like a girl sometimes, but he wasn’t if he said he wasn’t.

When Karen got home, he walked up to his room, seeing that the light was already on. He was a bit surprised, until he saw Jem sitting on his bed. “Hey, Jem, what’s up?” he asked, shutting the door behind him and shrugging off the jacket he had on.

Jem crinkled her nose momentarily. “Did you and Rick steal his dad’s fags again?” she asked, coughing at the strong scent that overwhelmed her when he sat next to her.

“Shit, can you smell it that bad?” he asked, smelling his shirt. “You can’t tell mum and dad, ok Jem? We’ve just done it twice, I don’t even like it. Rick’s the one who thinks it’s cool, swear I only have one. He has a bunch more, that’s why I smell, ‘cause of him.” he defended.

She still regarded her brother oddly before reaching out her pinky to promise the way they always did. Karen smiled a thank you to his sister when he took her finger.

“So, why were you in here?” he asked, looking around. “Snooping around my music?”

Jem shook her head. “I was thinking... Karen’s a girl name.” she said simply. “If you’re my brother, shouldn’t you have a boy name?”

Karen tried not to laugh. Jem was being so sweet, and yet it was pretty amusing to hear the young girl’s reasoning behind it. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Think that Kieren would be good?” he asked her, revealing the name he had been secretly referring to himself as for some time now.

Pausing for a moment, Jem hummed as she thought. “Yeah, I like it!” she finally told him. “And it’s enough like Karen so we won’t get confused!” she smiled. “Kieren...” she said, seeing how it felt.

Kieren let out a long held sigh of relief. He didn’t know how incredible it would feel to tell Jem that. He never could have imagined how incredible it would feel to have Jem use his chosen name instead of his birth one. He couldn’t help but smile at how in stride his little sister took his first steps of transitioning. If everyone was like Jem, this would almost be easy.


	2. Steve and Sue

Life was still strangely normal for Kieren. He was still getting used to Jem knowing, but everywhere else, he still was ‘Karen’. When he was out with his family, at school, or with Rick, he was still ‘Karen’. When he was in his room though, sitting with Jem or painting the portrait of the image he had of himself in his head over and over, however, he was Kieren.

Nothing made him smile more than the way that Jem would call him ‘bro’ now whenever others weren’t around, opposed to ‘sis’ as she used to always around everyone. Now there was none of that, just a new comradery between the siblings and a lot of late nights spent talking about anything and everything.

Kieren remembered the night that he came home from school, positively giddy. Jem had been home sick all day, so she didn’t get the daily gossip from her brother until later that night. The huge smile on Kieren’s face during dinner was enough to let Jem know something was up though. Kieren tried to hold back a laugh at his sister’s raised eyebrows and the baffled looks on their parent’s faces.

Once Jem finished drying the dishes (it was her night, after all), she immediately went up to Kieren’s room. “What happened?” she asked excitedly as she shut the door behind her.

Kieren couldn’t hold back the grin as he put down his paint brush. “You know Rick Macy, right?”

Jem rolled her eyes, “The boy you’re obsessed with from school that you’ve been hanging out with lately? Yeah, I think I do.” she smirked. “What about him?”

Kieren bit his lip excitedly. “He asked me to the school disco!” he proclaimed excitedly. “Philip says that he thinks that Rick likes me, so like, I think he was asking because he wants me to be his gi...” Kieren’s voice slowly released all the excited energy it held. “Girlfriend.” he finished, voice flat.

Jem frowned, not sure how to respond. “Well, Kier, he’s a boy... You’re a boy... So like, you really can’t date, can you?” she asked, trying her best not to sound mean.

“Boys can date boys, Jem. Same with girls. Anyone can, really. Doesn’t really matter, if both people like that.” he explained.

“So I could like a girl?” Jem asked, earning a nod from her brother. “What if I kinda like a girl and kinda like a boy?” Kieren shrugged with a smile on his face indicating that it didn’t matter. “So like, that’s fine if I think that Henry is super nice and funny but like Lisa...” she turned bright red, unable to finish as her brother laughed at her.

“‘Course you can, Jem. Anybody can like anybody. That’s no one else’s business.” he told her.

“So, how do you know then that he doesn’t like girls and boys? Or maybe he likes boys and he just knows, even though you say that I’m the only person you’ve told.” Jem suggested.

Kieren thought for a moment, but shook his head. Rick was truly a man’s man in the making, the stereotypical heterosexual high school guy. He was one of the best football players, was funny, attractive, and could probably be with any girl in the school that he wanted. Plus his dad was super religious. There was simply no way that Rick would like someone like Kieren if he knew.

Jem sighed at her brother’s response. “Well, you can still pretend for him, if you want. Then you can say that Rick Macy went on a date with a boy and see how much his dad flips.” she suggested with a small smirk.

Kieren looked down at himself, readjusting the tank top he wore to stop constricting so much. He tugged his long golden hair down from where it was tucked into the hat he wore, before brushing himself off. “Guess I have to tell mum that we have to go dress shopping, then.”

The next weekend, they went to the city to find something nice for Kieren to wear. Jem had a blast looking at all the dresses, and Sue was clearly having a fun time. Steve liked seeing his oldest child put on the more modest of the dresses, saying how ‘his Karen’ was growing up too fast. Kieren himself however, was not having a superb time.

He tried to hype himself up for the day. He was getting this because he finally had a date with Rick Macy. Rick Macy who had been his best friend for years, and crush for almost as long. Rick Macy who made his stomach do flips and his face split with a smile. None of that was happening as he looked at himself in any of the dresses.

“Oh, Karen, I love this one!” Sue proclaimed when he stepped out in a simple light blue dress.

Steve smiled when he saw the dress. “I think you should get this one.” he stated. “Looks beautiful.”

Jem was smiling looking over Kieren’s shoulder in the mirror, clearly in love with the dress herself. Kieren kept looking, trying to make what he saw actually convince him. In the mirror he saw a pretty young girl, looking almost like a princess in the light blue dress. But the girl he saw in the mirror... That wasn’t him. That was someone he wasn’t and who he never could be. His eyes watered up as he continued to stare, finally scampering back into the fitting room to take the fabric prison off.

“Karen... Karen, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Sue called from the other side of the door. “Sweetheart, if you don’t like it we can keep looking, just because we like it doesn’t matter. Honey, don’t cry...”

Kieren emerged minutes later, hood pulled over his face. His eyes were puffy as he looked down, trudging away from the dress section. He couldn’t find his voice as he heard his family calling out behind him, just stopped walking so they could catch up. He didn’t know how to get back to the train station anyways.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Sue asked when she got to Kieren. His jaw only quivered as more tears threatened to spill again. “Karen, please talk to me. What happened? You looked so beautiful, why are you crying, love?”

Steve came up to his wife and eldest, putting a hand on each of their backs. “Maybe we should just head home, yeah?” he suggested, not knowing what else to do. He hated seeing the distress in the beautiful brown eyes of his own child.

Kieren didn’t speak the rest of the ride home. He really didn’t feel like he could talk, even if he had wanted to. His throat felt closed off, as if breathing was enough of a struggle, much less forcing sound out. Instead he just stared out the window as Jem occasionally tried to engage him in conversation.

“I just don’t get it...” Sue said to her husband once they were home. Kieren had locked himself in his room after they returned, refusing to come out for dinner or to even let Jem in to his room. “Why is she doing this?”

Steve shook his head, unsure himself. “Jemima, has your sister said anything to you that might be why she’s upset?” he asked. Like a good sister, Jem lied with a shake of her head. “Jem, even if Karen didn’t want to tell us, you need to so we can make her feel better.”

“I don’t know anything, dad.” she reiterated before plodding up the stairs to knock on her brother’s door. “Kier...” she called out loud enough for him to hear, but quiet enough that it wouldn’t register to her parents. “Please let me in.”

Jem sighed when she heard another pair of footsteps walking up the stairs. It was her mum, hand already raised to knock at the door in front of her. “Karen, honey, please come out. I just don’t understand what was wrong, love. You looked so beautiful, I’m sure Rick would agree that he was taking the most beautiful girl to the dance, no matter which one you got. Was it the dress? Or something else?” she asked for perhaps the hundredth time.

“Maybe he doesn’t want to wear a dress, mum!” Jem finally snapped, tired of the questions being asked again and again.

“Jemima! What did you just say?” Sue asked, genuinely confused. Certainly Jem hadn’t said something like that, calling her sister a he? “Jem, maybe you should give your sister some space, let me talk to her.”

“He doesn’t want to wear a dress, mum, why does it matter? Just tell him he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to!” Jem pleaded even as she heard Steve walking up the stairs.

“Jemima, love, we know you want a brother but please don’t pretend just because your sister didn’t like a dress that she’s your brother.” Steve told his youngest daughter.

“He told me!” Jem screamed. “He told me, he is my brother!” she cried out emotionally. Stunned, her parents stared at her, trying to figure out if what she said was true. She started pounding on the door. “I’m sorry, Kieren! I’m sorry! I had to tell them, Kieren, I’m sorry!”

Sue and Steve exchanged a look. Both of their expressions were painted with surprise at the new bout of information. Each exchanged a soft nod. Steve put a hand on the crying Jem’s back, trying to console her.

“Jem, love... What did you call... him?” Sue asked, having to think incredibly hard to use a male pronoun. “What did he tell you his name was?” she clarified softly.

Jem’s lips shook as she spoke. “Kieren.” she said timidly.

Sue cleared her throat, knocking gently on the door. “K-Kieren, love, if what your sister said is true, we still love you, you know that? We’d love you if you were a... a goldfish!” she called from the other side of the door. “Kieren, please come out, love. Please. You don’t have to wear the dress or do anything like that if you don’t want to, love.”

She was just sighing in resignation when the door cracked open slowly. There stood Kieren, hair messily chopped with the pocket knife Steve had given as a gift years ago during a family camping trip. Under the Nirvana shirt, he was almost entirely flat chested as his parents had never seen him before. His eyes danced nervously between his parents, searching for a sign of approval from either of them. The tears spilling down Sue’s face didn’t do a terrible lot to encourage him until she reached out to wrap her arms around him.

“Son.” Steve smiled, offering a hand to shake before pulling his son into a warm embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you are enjoying this one, I'm sorry if it's kind of awful. It's a lot of built up emotions that are driving this so like more than anything this is a little more therapeutic for me to write than anything. Thanks for taking the time to read!


	3. Rick

Kieren spent the rest of the night as Sue went over his hair, evening out some of the spots he had chopped unevenly. Considering how it was done with a knife, it was rather impressive that it had worked at all.

Jem had apologized profusely, repeatedly. Kieren told her each time that it was fine, it would have happened anyways, but she still apologized. It took Kieren wrapping his baby sister in a hug once his hair was done for her to believe that she was even partially forgiven. Kieren made a note to make her a new CD to prove that there were no hard feelings between them.

“Let’s show your dad, Ka...” Sue cleared her throat, “Kieren.” she corrected herself once she brushed a few stray pieces of hair stuck to his shirt off to the best of her ability. “Think he’s looking at new releases on the web.”

Kieren nodded, running his hands through his hair. It was cut just right where if he styled it right, it would just look like he had gotten a short cut for a girl for when he was at school or, well, anywhere other than home, he thought. It felt lighter on his head and on his heart. He no longer had to tuck his hair up into his hats, he could simply comb his hair and like what he saw in the mirror.

When he walked into the computer room and froze for a moment. He looked on the screen, and felt tears threatening in his eyes. There Steve was, printing pages and pages of information about how to support a transgender child, educational information, and even what was currently on the page, a list of doctors who were known for being supportive of and helping teens such as Kieren transition.

In an attempt to stop any tears from falling, Kieren made an incidental noise in the back of his throat. Steve was clearly startled briefly as he turned around to see Kieren. “Oh, hello son, didn’t see you there.” Steve smiled. “Looking sharp. Your hair, that is.”

Kieren just wrapped his arms around his dad’s shoulders. “Thanks, dad.” he said quietly.

\---

The following day, Sunday, Kieren had invited Rick over. Suddenly, he was nervous for the encounter. He heavily considered calling their house and saying he wasn’t feeling well, but before he could, he saw Rick walking up the drive.

“Mum, I’m going out with Rick!” Kieren called out, ruching down the stairs. Before Rick could even knock, Kieren was opening the door to leave. “Want to go for a walk?” Kieren asked, leaving little room for argument.

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” Rick agreed, confused as he followed behind his friend, already past him towards the street. “You get your hair cut? Like it short like that.” he said as he fell into stride next to Kieren.

Kieren ran his hands through his now much shorter hair. “Thanks...” he mumbled, pulling his hood up and throwing his hands in his pocket.

“Don’t you like it?” Rick asked when Kieren reacted oddly. Kieren nodded in response, pressing his lips together. “Something the matter, then?” Rick asked, wanting to know why his friend was acting so peculiar.

Kieren bit at his lip, eyes flickering around where they were in Roarton. Sure, it was pretty quiet, but Kieren certainly couldn’t here... If Rick made a scene, then who could know who all would hear. He tried to open his mouth to say something, anything really, but nothing came out. He willed Rick to know that he couldn’t talk, not there, and that he needed to go somewhere private. Anywhere, private, really.

Picking up on what his friend was thinking, Rick took Kieren’s hand, leading him in another direction. “I’ve got to show you something I found the other day.” Rick told him when they finally reached the edge of town. He held a branch back for Kieren as they stepped into the trees before ushering him deeper into the woods.

“It’s just a bit further.” Rick promised when he felt Kieren’s hand squeezing his just a little bit more. “Just past this next clearing...” he promised, revealing a gap in the trees. “Come on, up here!” Rick told him, starting to lead the way to an opening in the rock in front of them.

Kieren took a few deep breaths, calming himself before following behind Rick who had started his way into the poorly lit cave. Not far into the cave, Kieren could no longer see Rick in front of him and felt the familiar stricture of his throat as he felt like the darkness closed in on him. He got as small as he could as he walked through, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest.

He cried out in fear when he hit something solid in front of him, nearly sending him to the ground. “I gotcha, Karen, don’t worry, s’all right, sorry... I’ve got lights somewhere...” Rick murmured after snatching Kieren’s wrist in time to keep him upright.

Kieren grabbed at the flannel Rick wore, tightly bunching his fist around it as he leaned closer and closer to Rick. The heat radiating off of him and the tactile comfort of knowing he was there was enough to hold Kieren over until a spark light the small area, exposing candles that were scattered throughout the small cave. Rick light them one by one, and soon it was almost as light as it was when they were in the woods.

“So what’s wrong, Karen?” Rick asked, setting his jacket on the ground before sitting down, motioning for Kieren to join him. “You’re acting funny, we’ve been mates long enough for me to know something’s up.” he added when Kieren shrugged dismissively.

Kieren looked down, pulling at the ends of his sleeves. They were already ragged from the constant tugging he did, so it really couldn’t matter if he just pulled a few more threads out. As he stared at his own hands, they were suddenly covered by one much larger one. Through long lashes, he looked up to meet Rick’s eyes. He was smiling, the crinkles by his eyes showing in the candle light.

“I like you, Karen.” Rick said softly. His other hand reached up, brushing a bit of Kieren’s hair from his eyes. “A lot.” he added before Kieren suddenly felt lips on his own, chapped and inexperienced as they curiously explored another’s mouth for the first time.

Kieren nearly froze before moving his own lips just slightly to meet Rick’s. A few brief seconds later, Rick pulled away, face flushed. Kieren was sure he was in a similar state. “I want to know what’s wrong, Karen. I want to help you.” Rick told him, still sitting closer to him than before.

“I can’t go to the dance with you.” Kieren suddenly burst into tears. “I’m sorry, I can’t, and I didn’t want to tell you, and I just... I’m sorry.”

Rick was confused as he pulled Kieren into a hug. certainly that couldn’t have been everything that was bothering his friend, could it have been? “Why not?” he asked, assuming something of that nature was the problem. Kieren only shook his head, terrified of the repercussions he might face in telling Rick that he was, well, a he. “Karen, if it’s the money, I know you’re dad’s between jobs, I can help you buy a nice dress, maybe my mum could even make it for you, she used to do a lot of that shit, and I was already going to-”

Rick was cut off when Kieren was the one suddenly kissing him. He by no means protested as Kieren’s hands held his face in place briefly, kissing him with more intensity than before. When Kieren pulled away, Rick’s face was somewhere between confused and amused. “What was that for?” he asked, a smirk on his face. He saw the timidness and anxiety painted on Kieren’s face though, and dropped it immediately. “Karen, please, talk to me. What’s the matter?”

“Don’t hate me...” Kieren whispered, eyes again watering.

“Could never hate you.” Rick told him quite honestly. Hate wasn’t in his vocabulary when it came to his best friend.

Kieren took in a shaking breath. “I’m...” he managed before his jaw trembled and he sobbed. “I’m not a girl!” he cried, his whole body shaking. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Rick...” he repeated over and over, too terrified to meet the other’s eye.

Initially, shock flooded over Rick. Had Karen just said... In his mind he tried to comprehend. Did Karen mean she was born a guy or... Or was she a guy? Did that mean she -- or he -- didn’t like him? Did he just kiss a boy? What would his father think, him sneaking a boy out to a den like this?

Rick quickly shook his head, wanting to expel his father from his thoughts. He took a deep breath, reaching out to touch his friend, somewhere, anywhere really, to calm them down. “What do you mean?” he asked, hardly above a whisper.

“I mean... I’m a guy, Rick.” Kieren explained apprehensively. “I was born a girl, but I just... I don’t... I’m not...” his jaw quivered. “I’m trans, Rick.” he said, squeezing out a few more tears. “I’m sorry, I knew, and I shouldn’t have kissed you, I just... I really like you Rick and I just.. I needed to know what it was like before you hated me, I’m sorry...”

Rick cut him off, reaching towards Kieren’s cheek. He gently brushed away the droplets falling from Kieren’s lashes and cupped his face. “I don’t hate you, I swear... I really don’t.”

Kieren sniffed a bit, eyes slowly meeting Rick’s. “You don’t?”

“Of course not, Karen.” Rick told him. “Should I still, you know, call you that?” he asked.

“Kieren.” Kieren quietly told his friend.

“Of course I don’t hate you, Kieren. You’re my best mate.” He thought for a moment. He wondered if he should reveal the biggest secret he himself had been holding. He pushed thoughts of his father and vicar Odie’s famous talks out of his mind. Kieren had just made himself so vulnerable to Rick, didn’t he owe the same to Kieren?

“Not like you’re the first guy I’ve liked.” Rick tried to say as nonchalantly as someone who could hardly breathe could possibly say anything. His chest tightened as he felt Kieren’s curious gaze on him, though he couldn’t bare to look at him. “James Pye, and... this one from my football team... I just... I’ve never liked a girl before...” he admitted shakily.

Kieren’s lips moved, but words weren’t coming very easily for him. “I... I thought you said you liked me.” he stammered eventually.

“I think I wanted to when I thought... But you’re not...” Rick’s voice trailed off.

Hurt, Kieren began to stand, intending to leave before the pain in his chest from Rick’s words overtook him. He felt Rick’s hand grab his own as he stood, coaxing him to stay. “I’m not what, Rick? Convenient for you to show to your dad that you’re dating a girl so he doesn’t know you’re gay?” Kieren snapped as he pulled his hand away.

Now was Rick’s turn to be left speechless for a moment. “Kieren, I meant you’re not a girl so it makes sense that I... like you.” he explained, visibly shook up by Kieren’s biting remark. “I didn’t mean that...”

Kieren bit his lip, sitting back down next to Rick. He pulled his knees to his chest, sighing. “I’m sorry, Rick. I shouldn’t have... I know how your dad is.” he apologized. “Shit, I’m such a dick, I’m sorry...”

“S’all right.” Rick dismissed him. “I’ll admit, when we started being friends and I thought I liked you... I thought maybe I still could be normal if I liked you. And I do, I just... I couldn’t the way I did with guys, Kieren. I just couldn’t. But like you said, with my dad...” he sighed, taking a steadying breath. “I thought it’d be easiest, but I really, really like you, and it makes sense now because you aren’t a girl, and that’s why I still don’t like girls.” he elaborated.

Kieren wrapped his arms around Rick’s neck, pulling him into a hug. “I really, really like you too.” he said quietly into his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I took so long to get this up! I had 7 tests, 5 games, and an AP exam to study for this last week. Hopefully the chapters will come quicker in the future, but as I'm getting closer and closer to graduation it's getting harder to find time to write. Thanks for everyone who keeps reading though! Hope you're enjoying it!


	4. Janet

Janet didn’t work often, except for when Bill was between jobs. That way, not only did she help carry their family finances over to make sure they would have enough money, but she didn’t have to fret about the embodied rage that her husband sometimes became. So she worked once a week at the pharmacy just two train stops away from Roarton except for those times that Bill wasn’t working.

It was a Friday afternoon, about a month and a half after Rick had started calling his friend (though Janet suspected they were something more) ‘Ren’. She thought it was a cute nickname, and she saw the way it made Ren’s eyes light up. She was glad for that. Karen had always seemed so somber, just a little off in some way. Not a bad way, she decided, but in a way that made her worry that she may have needed a friend to work extra hard to make her smile.

The strangest part for her was probably seeing people who she knew come in to pick up those prescriptions that, frankly, most neighbors wouldn’t want to know about each other. Of course she couldn’t say anything to the neighbors who she found had perhaps been cheated on based on the STI medication she distributed, nor could she show any sympathy to those who she knew due to her career to be slowly dying, like the young Amy Dyer, leukemia giving her at most, 4 or 5 years to fight an awful fight.

That Friday, however, lead to the most difficult confidentiality case she had ever found herself having to deal with. When the door rang, signalling a new customer walking in, Janet looked up to see Sue walking in, fumbling to get something out of her purse.

“Oh, hi there, Janet.” Sue greeted her long time neighbor and friend (mostly due to their children’s friendship). Looking back, Janet wasn’t sure if she imagined the unease in Sue’s voice or not.

Janet smiled at her, logging into the computer system in order to help her. “What can I get for you, Sue? Something for yourself or one of the kids?” she asked, preparing to look up the prescription that had been sent over.

“It’s for K...” Sue cleared her throat. “Karen.”

Janet typed in Karen Walker, twice, before frowning at Sue, “She’s not coming up, Sue.” In turn, Sue too frowned. “Let me try just searching by Walker, sometimes they are silly and type the wrong first name...” she said, typing Walker into the system. “Ah, there we go, this must be for you. I think they have her name in here as Kieren... You’re here to get...” Janet started to ask before her voice trailed off, her mouth forming an oh in surprise.

Sue gave a small nod, knowing that Janet had obviously read the correct file. “I’ll go get that for you.” Janet, clearly flustered a bit, told Sue before disappearing to the back.

So, that was why she--no, he, Janet reminded herself-- had cut his hair short. Why his clothes had gotten baggier to de-accentuate what breasts he had already developed. What didn’t make sense was how her son and Kieren had somehow gotten closer. She wondered if her son knew that he had kissed someone who would be taking testosterone. She wondered if he would care.

Rick had to know about this, she was sure. They seemed to be as close as any two friends could be. Of course Kieren must have told him that he didn’t feel like a girl. And yet, she had just seen the two of them kiss each other briefly, not knowing that she had seen, before Kieren walked home one day. That’s probably why he had started calling him Ren. It was ambiguous, Karen or Kieren. If Rick knew, though, that would mean...

“Janet, are you looking for something?” the pharmacist snapped her from her train of thoughts when he stopped to look at her curiously. “Pick ups should be alphabetized.” he explained.

Turning red, Janet tried to smile, “I was looking by first name, that’s not what I wanted...” she laughed briefly before finding the bag that read ‘WALKER, KIEREN’. “Here we are...” she smiled.

“That the testosterone patient?” he asked her after glancing at the bag. Janet nodded in confirmation. “Alright, I’ll need to go over some instructions with him, then, mind showing me to the pick up?”

Janet walked out to the lobby, to find that Kieren had joined his mother now, sitting at her side with a newly purchased sketch pad on his lap. “Sue, just need to go over a few care guidelines with the two of you, it’ll just be a few minutes.” she told her, trying not to let her heart break at the fear in Kieren’s eyes upon hearing her voice and recognizing that she must now know as well.

Janet started walking back behind the counter, feeling awful for the clear distress she had imposed on the poor boy, but stopped. She knew one way that would hopefully help him. “Kieren, Rick’s football tournament was cancelled this weekend if you’d like to come over tomorrow afternoon. If you’re alright with him coming, that is, Sue.”

Janet breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Kieren visibly relax, eyes flicking to his mum for approval. “I think that would be lovely, Janet.”

\---

Janet smiled warmly when Kieren came over the next day. He meekly smiled in response, asking if Rick was upstairs. Janet nodded, but stopped him momentarily before letting him go to Rick’s room. “I want you to know that I can’t tell anyone about yesterday. You don’t have to worry about anything, dear.” she told him.

“Thank you, Mrs. Macy.” Kieren told her quietly before scampering up the stairs. Janet smiled, watching the small boy knock on Rick’s door. Rick was quick to wrap his arms around him in a hug before walking him into his bedroom.

Janet knew. She knew a lot of things. First, without a doubt, Kieren was transgender. It didn’t bother her, not like she thought it might have. There he was, Rick’s best friend, and one of the most polite children that Janet had ever met. A bit odd at times, but she doubted that had anything to do with his gender.

Next, she knew that Rick liked him. The way he lit up upon seeing him, going from an obvious annoyance, thinking it was his mother disrupting him, to a huge grin upon seeing Kieren. Of course, it helped that she knew of the kiss they had shared, but it would be easy enough for her to tell based solely on his actions. Call it a mother’s intuition.

A part of her knew that Rick must know. With how close they were, there was no way that he didn’t. If Kieren was starting a more formal transition, surely he would have told his best friend. Rick simply must know.

She wouldn’t admit it, but she knew that if Rick knew about it and still liked him, that he wasn’t straight. It wouldn’t bother her, she only wanted her son to be happy. But the terrifying reality was that if his father knew, well, there would be hell to pay, not only for Rick, but for Kieren. She feared for both of their safety.

It was only a matter of time when Kieren would be more obviously masculine. It appeared that he was already binding his breasts, and Janet knew that once the effects of the testosterone began, even the oblivious Bill Macy who would turn a dumb ye to anything that disagreed with his opinion would realize his son’s little ‘girlfriend’ was in reality his boyfriend.

Still, she was surprised when the door opened and suddenly, Rick was a bit further away from Kieren, the usually all but nonexistent gap between them rather large. Rick was acting strangely, leaving an entire cushion of space between them when they sat down to play one of the video games that Bill had given Rick. It was some football game that Rick enjoyed.

She tried not to fret about it too much, after all, it was pretty normal for people to leave a little buffer space between them. She hoped that it wasn’t because of Kieren’s choice to begin his hormone therapy. She hoped it was simply because they wanted room to spread out.

When Kieren left, Sue was about to say something when Rick spoke. “You knew about Ren?” he asked her. She couldn’t pick out what emotion was most clearly in his tone.

“I couldn’t tell you, Rick, not with my job. I can’t talk about any of that to anyone.” she told her son.

“You knew, but... You don’t mind?” Rick asked.

Janet shook her head. “Of course not, love. If he makes you happy, I don’t care.” she told him, brushing her fingers through his short hair.

Rick smiled. “I’m sure Ren will be glad to know that.” he said. Janet would realize years down the road, that was the closest to telling her about their relationship her son would ever get.


	5. Bill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some transphobic attitude expressed in this, but it is used as a way to embody Bill's opinions, not my own. I just wanted to give a brief warning before you begin reading, though it really isn't a whole lot, I do know that for some it is very difficult to read that.

In a small area like Roarton, usually it ended up being the church that made most of the decisions. It was sort of the de facto city council. They called it the church council still, but in all reality, they all but ran the town.

So naturally, when a problem arose within Roarton Valley school, it was called to the attention of the church council. It was probably supposed to be more of a segregated system, but no one had complained in the past when they were called into action.

The issue that had arose had to deal with a student. Their identity would be concealed during the decision process, so when Bill asked who the meeting was about, he was only met with shrugs.

“This student is identifying as being transgender. They are requesting that their name be changed on any documentation we have and that they be allowed to wear their choice of gendered uniforms.” the school’s representative told them. “We don’t know if it is something we have to do, especially since the student has begun hormone replacement therapy.”

Bill only scoffed. “Get the fag off of the hormones then, tell ‘em you can’t just play dress up and suddenly be someone else.” he said. “How old is this kid, and who are the parent who are letting this abomination happen?” he asked, looking to his peers for support.

One of the other men at the table, Geoffrey Pfannenstein looked visibly uncomfortable with Bill’s assertions. He cleared his throat over the noise of the few who were agreeing with Bill vocally, standing to call some attention to himself. “Bill, with all due respect, this may not be the issue that you think it is. See, my sister over in London had a kid, who at 15 told her that she was her daughter, not her son. People didn’t support her though, and she ended up killing herself, not even 16 yet. Maybe it may seem ridiculous to you, but would you rather let that happen, or let someone wear different clothes to school and be called a name they prefer?”

A rousing round of applause came out of many of the council members. It could have been something to do with his words, but likely it had to do with the fact that someone stood up to Bill Macy. Either way, the usually quiet old man nodded curtly and took his seat again, letting another person speak.

“I don’t think we’ll want any blood on our hands, if it comes to that.” someone spoke up, getting several nods of agreement.

“But what if more kids get the idea to pull a stunt like this? That would set a precedent of just letting them do whatever they want!” Bill argued.

“Bill, these are teenagers we’re talking about.” one of the women shot back. “They’ll do whatever they want anyways, whether or not we give them permission. I say let the kid pick their name and their own clothes. What harm can it really do?”

In a fit, Bill stood, making a move for the door. “Fine, you raise your kids to accept all that shit, I’ll raise mine to be in the good books!” he yelled, slamming the door behind him. The room was left in stunned silence as the hot-headed man trudged off towards the Legion. “Pearl!” He called out as he entered the bar.

Sighing only quietly to herself, Pearl got her ‘best’ customer his usual, large quantity of alcohol. She figured he was best as in he spent the most money there. And probably the most time, if she was honest with herself. She never would consider him the best mannered though. The man thought he owned the place and ran the town. She had half a mind to tell him to go home and actually spend some quality time with his boy, but then again, she didn’t think that he was a good role model for the young Rick either, so perhaps it was a blessing that he wasn’t often at home.

Bill grumbled mostly to himself, albeit loudly, once he got his drink. It was a mumbling here about a confused kid, and a complaint of poor parenting there. He grew louder as soon as anyone paid him any mind, but for the most part, most people tried to ignore him. Many people were so used to him, however, so not a very large audience was drawn.

Once he was satisfied that he had preached enough to the choir, he took his rambling home, a little more drunk for the wear. Janet met him at the door as usual with a beer in hand just as she always did. He took it, taking a large swig as Janet told him that Rick had Kieren over, though to him, he was still Karen..

“Good, now that’s a good lass. Not some freak who thinks they are someone they aren’t. Doesn’t look for attention like those kids.” he shook his head. He continued his rant, unaware of his son frozen in horror at the top of the stairs trying to stop Kieren from hearing.

The small whimper behind him before the sound of footsteps retreated back into Rick’s room was more than a clue enough that he had heard.

\---

Things were civil whenever Kieren was at the Macy house. He had a new found hatred for the patriarch, though due to Rick’s loyalty to him, he rarely expressed it openly. Rick knew how awful his father was, and he certainly disagreed with much of what his father said, but after all, he was his father.

The rest of the summer was relatively normal. It ended on Rick’s 15th birthday, their first day of classes after break. Kieren strode into the building not as Karen, but rather as Kieren, the male student who wore slacks rather than his old skirt, and a men’s dress shirt over the new binder Sue had bought him for school. He still wore his tie loosely, as old habits would die hard, especially ones pertaining to comfort of something around his neck.

He had slowly come out to some people over the summer months to make the first day less awkward. Word must have travelled fast, however, as many people, whether doing so kindly or not, seemed to know about his transition. Some shouted at him for ‘faking it’ as they would say, while some girls grumbled wondering if they would be able to wear the pants instead now. Mostly, however, he got smiles from people who he actually cared about, and the occasional “Hello, Kieren”s from them and even a few teachers.

By lunch time, the gossip had already dissipated to the usual conversation of what happened over the summer. Everything was pretty much normal. Rick had given his knee a slight squeeze underneath the table where no one could see it in encouragement, smiling. Kieren easily reciprocated the expression, knocking his knee against his friend’s.

“Want to come back to mine for dinner tonight, Ren? Mum’s making her good roast, said I should bring you over.” he said in his ear.

Kieren smirked, “Now it’s your mum who wants me to come over, not you?” he teased, making Rick’s face turn red. “Course I’ll come over, then I can make you wait longer to open up your gift.” he nudged Rick.

Rick groaned, but the signal for the next class went off, allowing for Kieren’s escape while he still had the upper hand. He certainly hadn’t forgotten it by the time they met up again for the bus back home, smirking and flaunting the poorly wrapped package on his lap.

“Jem, I’m going to Rick’s for dinner, will you tell mum?” Kieren half asked his sister, though he was mostly telling her.

Jem stuck her tongue out, pulling a face at Kieren. “Yeah, I’ll tell her you’re having dinner with your boyfriend.” she teased before running off at the fork in the direction of the Walker’s, while Rick and Kieren had to take the left towards the Macy house.

Kieren rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry, forget about her...” he tried to say calmly though his face betrayed embarrassment.

Rick shrugged, bumping his shoulder against Kieren’s. “I don’t really mind.” he told him before biting his lip. “If you don’t, that is.” Kieren raised an eyebrow. “If you want to, you know, be my boyfriend, I mean, I wouldn’t really... I mean, I’d like that, I think.” he finished lamely, scratching the back of his head.

Kieren did a quick glance around their surroundings, noting that no one was really out and about except for them. “I would like that.” he said simply before stretching up and kissing Rick’s cheek. “Happy birthday, Rick.” he smiled.

Neither of them were finished smiling when Janet greeted them with a kiss for Rick. She let them go up to Rick’s room where they sat, talking and laughing until they were called down for dinner. Kieren grabbed the gift then, bringing it down to give to Rick after. The three of them sat around the table waiting for Bill to come home.

Bill got home later than expected, despite his promise to forgo his usual Legion trip. Kieren was fidgety as usual, especially knowing that Bill was coming. “Kieren, love, you’ve got that package upstairs, don’t you?” Janet eventually suggested as silence overwhelmed them.

He ran upstairs and was leaving Rick’s room as he heard Bill coming in. “Oi, happy birthday, son!” he boomed, clapping Rick on the back. “Say, that nonsense they were talking about this summer, gotta ask, wasn’t someone who was in your class who decided to cross dress, what it?”

Kieren froze walking down the stairs. His chin shook as tears began to threaten. He dropped the package he held, drawing all his eyes to him.

“Get out of my god damn house.” Bill said in a strangely calm voice. Kieren’s legs just wouldn’t listen to the request to move, however, so he stood in that same place. “Get out! You’re barred from this house!”


	6. A First Life

School was strange after that. Kieren didn’t sit next to Rick on the bus anymore, didn’t even eat lunch with him. Bill had changed Rick out of all of the classes he had with Kieren, so he only ever saw brief glimpses of him in the hallway.

Maybe those would have been enough if Rick could have at least smiled at him. Kieren kicked himself for believing Rick’s schmuck about not caring that he was a guy. Of course in the end it was Bill’s opinion that mattered.

“Um, I noticed you were sitting alone these past couple of days, and I usually sit alone so...” someone suddenly disrupted his thoughts. “Mind if we sit alone... together? I’m Philip, by the way.” the other smiled a bit.

Kieren glanced at the empty table for a moment before nodding. “Kieren.” he said simply before picking up his fork to continue to play with his food.

“I know.” Philip said. “I mean, well, like, people are talking... I’ve just heard... Put two and two together. Not that, well, I mean... You look good, really, but like, new guy pretty easy to spot...” he rambled unnecessarily. Kieren began to wonder why he let the other boy join him. “Sorry, sorry, I just... I’ve got nothing against it, I’m glad you’re doing it, if it makes you happy. Everyone deserves to be happy, you know?”

With that Kieren stopped wondering. He simply smiled. A new, albeit strange friendship began.

\---

“Kieren, I’ve got something for you.” Philip said randomly one morning at Kieren’s locker. “Rick Macy asked me to give it to you. I don’t really know what it’s for, I told him I wasn’t going to be like passing around drugs or anything, but he told me that it’s nothing to worry about...”

Kieren regarded the small envelope curiously. “Nah, Rick isn’t like that...” he said absentmindedly as he pulled out the poorly folded paper. “Ren, I’m sorry I haven’t been able to hang out with you much, my dad changed me out of all of your classes and told me that he’s got teacher who’ll tell him if we’re hanging out here. I’m sorry. I want to see you again sometime though, yeah? Maybe at that den? Send a note with Lippy what time you can be there, I’ll make sure I am. Rick.” Kieren read under his breath.

“Was wondering why you and Rick weren’t mates anymore.” Philip told him, honestly. “Figured it had something to do with his dad. Mum says she thinks he’s a real arse.”

Kieren had to agree with that, a small smile cracking on his face while he nodded. “Ask him if tonight right after school will work?” he asked hopefully. Philip smiled and nodded before running off to speak to the other.

\---

Kieren sat outside of the den for a few minutes, waiting for Rick. He had to run home quick before coming, mostly so someone would be able to tell he was running off somewhere with Kieren. Kieren forgave him, knowing how Bill was. He was just ecstatic that his friend didn’t hate him the way he had feared.

Even expecting Rick, he still flinched when he heard the crunching of leaves. He had been scratching something in the dirt, but quickly brushed it under leaves that were nearly the same color as his cheeks as the other approached.

“I’m sorry, Ren.” Rick said sadly as the other tucked himself into his arms. “I didn’t think my dad would be like that...”

“Can we not talk about him?” Kieren requested when he stepped out of Rick’s embrace.

Rick nodded. “I was out here last night, didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of meeting out here before. I come here when my dad’s being a dickhead.” he explained. “Sorry.. You didn’t want...”

Kieren shrugged, shivering as he shoved his hands into the sleeves of his hoodie. “I forget that you have to live with him sometimes. I’m sorry he was being a dickhead.” he forgave him, bumping his shoulder against Rick’s.

Rick smiled and nodded. “Hey, Ren, that CD you made... It uh, was broken after you left. I just... Sorry I couldn’t listen to it. I wanted to.” Again Kieren shrugged, dismissing the need for an apology. “So, what were you drawing before I came up?” Rick asked him, reaching towards the pile of leaves that now covered the dirt patch.

“Nothing!” Kieren told him, frantically pushing him away from the area.

Rick, being considerably larger than Kieren, didn’t have much of a problem getting past the other boy. He shifted the leaves, revealing a scratching crudely reading ‘RICK & REN’ enclosed in a heart. His eyes looked from the dirt scratchings to the red faced boy who had written them.

“Sorry... I just...” Kieren stuttered, a ferocious scarlet painted across his face and ears.

Rick gave him a gentle smile, trying to coax him to stop being embarrassed. Kieren wasn’t even looking up, staring down at his feet and looking close to tears. Rick reached out, hooking one of his fingers into Kieren’s hand before fully grasping his slender fingers. Kieren’s blush was soon accompanied by a shy smile as Rick reached up, pushing some of his hair back before putting his hand on Kieren’s cheek.

“Don’t be sorry.” Rick told him once Kieren finally met his eyes. He smiled a bit more, trying to calm his friend down. “Don’t be sorry.” he repeated softly.

Before Rick could react, Kieren surged forward, capturing his lips in a messy kiss. It really went a lot better in Kieren’s head, less teeth knocking and perhaps better use of tongue, but the message got across to both boys just the same, even if they ended up laughing, fudging up the entire moment.

“I missed you, Ren.” Rick told him once they caught their breath.

\---

The den became theirs from then on. It was a safe haven for them, something that they never shared with another soul. The closest person to knowing about the den was Philip (or Lippy, as Rick called him teasingly), but even he wasn’t allowed inside of it. Rick and Kieren kept that to themselves. Rick’s recreation of Kieren’s scratchings in the dirt was for their eyes, and their eyes only.

They would meet there almost every single day for four years. On the way over, they would make sure to walk past the other’s house if they weren’t simply going there straight from the school bus. They each had a sign, for almost any situation, to let the other know if they were at the den or not. Kieren’s parents had caught on, and Janet had a hint as to what all the strange pebbles she’d find meant, but luckily Bill was oblivious.

As the years went by, the pair grew closer and closer. There had been a fair amount of moments in which they were tangled up in each other, entirely forgetting their waiting families at home. That’s when Rick started ‘dating’ Vicky as an excuse for being late. At least with that excuse, Bill clapped him on the back when he found a condom (still wrapped) in Rick’s pocket one day. Rick didn’t know how to tell him that it was from health class.

They almost needed it, on a few occasions, but Rick understood Kieren’s reluctance. Whenever his boyfriend would start to hesitate, Rick would slow the kissing, rub his thumb along his hip soothingly, and whisper, “It’s alright, Ren. ‘S’alright.”

They would do anything and everything in there. It is where they would do homework, Kieren would paint, Rick would let himself cry, and no matter what, they would both always be there for the other. It’s where they first said “I love you”, the first place either of them got drunk, and where they went nearly every single day for the next four years. Then, one day, they didn’t.

The previous night had ended almost like the others. There was a bit more of an air of tension between the two, nerves on Kieren’s part for his operation the next day, and Rick was clearly nervous for something as well.

Rick was holding him just a little longer that night, squeezing his hand just a little tighter. Less time was spent on other tasks, more time spent admiring Kieren. He just sat there and watched the other boy draw and laugh and talk, doing nothing else to pass his time. Eventually Kieren couldn’t focus any longer with the eyes on him, so he gave Rick something else to pay attention to.

He spent the whole time trying to memorize every last inch of the boy he loved. He wanted to remember just how he felt in his arms, the exact angle that his long golden lashes framed chocolate eyes. He wanted to be able to hear the sound Kieren made in the back of his throat when he kissed in his dreams for the rest of eternity. He didn’t want to miss a single detail.

When it got to painful to remember why he had to remember, Rick grabbed the white lightning he had lifted off his dad and started to drink it. He drank and drank until he was his least guarded self, even more open with Kieren then he ever had been.

“Y’know, I fuckin’ hate my dad. All his shite about being a man and...” an intoxicated Rick began before trailing off. “He has his stupid plan for me, going off and being the man he wasn’t good enough to be because that’s all that fuckin’ matters. But you know what, Ren? Y’know what I wanna do?” he asked, his words slurring slightly.

Kieren was holding back a laugh simply at how drunk Rick was. He was so glad that he was letting some of his dad’s bull shit off of his chest finally now, however. “What do you want to do, Rick?”

“I wanna bake. Like pastry stuff. You go to Paris to art school, I’ll come along and bake. We’ll be fantastic.” Rick promised. “Y’know what else I want to do, Ren? I wanna marry you. Have a shitload of kids to run around and letting ‘em be kids, y’know? ‘Cause I never got to be. Just adopt all the kids that nobody loves properly. Shite, I want to be the dad my dad never was, Ren. Then we could just get old and fat together. Leave this hell hole behind, yeah?”

Even though he knew that Rick was drunk, too drunk to actually make plans like that, Kieren’s heart only swelled. “I want that too, Rick.” he smiled, wrapping himself up in Rick’s arms. They stayed like that until the alarm on Rick’s watch beeped, telling them it was time to head home. “Rick, we have to go now.” Kieren reminded him

“I don’t want to, Ren. Don’t want to leave you...” Rick mumbled, holding him in place.

“You aren’t going far, Rick, just don’t want to let your dad catch us, yeah?” Kieren told him.

Rick eventually agreed, stumbling his way out of the den. He was practically draped across Kieren as they walked through the woods, using the younger boy as a crutch to walk as straight of a line as he possibly could. Rick’s house was closer to the woods, so Kieren just kept walking with him to his driveway.

“I love you, Ren.” Rick told him as they reached his driveway, planting a wet kiss to Kieren’s cheek. The cover of darkness and fog of alcohol relaxed Rick enough to show affection even so close to where his father was.

“I love you too, Rick.” Kieren replied, giving Rick a proper peck. “Still think you’ll be able to stop by tomorrow?” he asked hopefully.

“‘Course I will, Ren.” he promised. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

It took him twenty minutes of laying in bed for his to realize that he wouldn’t.

\---

Steve and Sue had promised themselves that Kieren would never be one of the 41%. They made that vow the night that he came out to them. Their son wouldn’t be added to the tragic list of people who had been so unsupported and loved that they would take their own life. No, they would love their son with all they had in them. Sometimes, that just isn’t enough.

After Kieren’s mastectomy, there was no Rick waiting for him. There wouldn’t be. Rick had gone, left for basic training. It felt like right after that he was suddenly off to Afghanistan. Then, time stopped all together with the news of an IED and no survivors.

Steve and Sue promised that Kieren would never get to that point. Why then did Steve hold his son’s limp body in his arms?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok soooo first just so everyone knows, I don't really know all that much about recovery times for surgeries. That being said, I did try some googling and whatnot and what I found was that most mastectomy patients can be released in absolutely no more than 24 hours. So like, I took a little creative licensing here, but I hope that's alright. I wanted to show part of Kieren continuing to transition more before what we all know happened to our poor little bambi child. I'm going to try to get the last 2 (maybe 3?) chapters up as soon as possible, but I graduate Friday and have tons of plans, so I'm making no promises about when I can update. Thanks for staying with it!


	7. The Treatment Centre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry this took so long to post. Long story short I had my last week of high school, graduation, and my brother was home for the first time in a while so my family was staying busy to entertain him/spend time together. I've been working on this when I can but it's been so many days that I've written bits and pieces that I'm afraid it doesn't flow as well as I'd like. I wanted to post it right away, I'll reread it tomorrow morning to make sure it doesn't suck too much, so it may be edited if you keep an eye out. Thanks for all the patience and continued support, I love you guys!

White was the first thing that Kieren saw. Was it the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel? It was bright, so bright that he squinted against the sudden radiance that invaded his sight. As he blinked a few times, a shadow blocked some of the light. What it was, he couldn’t decipher.

He briefly pondered if the figure was god. It would make sense, wouldn’t it? The last thing he recalled was the sharp sting of metal on flesh then... Relief. He didn’t believe in a god, but he thought maybe now was a good time to start. He shook the thought from his mind, however. Certainly no god would be waiting for him at the end of the tunnel.

It took Kieren a while to realize he was hearing something. It started sounding like a quiet buzz, progressing to an incoherent type of mumbling. He couldn’t tell where one word ended and the next began, nor what was being said. It was just a constant sound that he could somewhere in his mind recognize as a man’s voice. Then there was a pause and the voice continued in a higher pitch. There must have been a woman as well.

His throat didn’t seem to watch to work. The figure separated into two as his vision grew sharper and he was able to distinguish between the two as he heard a hushing sound, the clearest noise he had heard all this time.

“Where...?” he croaked out once his voice cooperated with him.

Finally some words began to distinguish themselves from others. “Treatment... Deceased Syndrome... Need to know... For room assignments.” he picked out of the man’s speech.

He must have looked confused, as the woman turned to the man, whispering something to him. The man turned back to Kieren, nodding. “...A minute.” he finished whatever he had began to say.

The room was still so white. Kieren’s eyes flashed all around, soaking in what little input he was getting. All he knew was he couldn’t move his arms or legs. Something was restraining him. He couldn’t feel the cold metal on his back from the table he was held against, but he was able to tell from his peripheral vision that he was laying on something horizontal with a semi-reflective surface.

“Think you can talk now?” the male voice asked him kindly. Looking still confused, Kieren nodded. “Alright, we need to know your name and where you’re from.” he prompted him.

“Kieren Walker. I’m from Roarton.” he told them, creasing his brow. “Where am I?” he asked as the woman began to type into a computer at the corner of the room.

Ignoring his question, she turned back to the other man. “There’s no result in the database for 2009, think that there were more?”

“Could be, don’t know if they’ve found any others.” the man said, examining Kieren. Kieren flinched away from the bright light being shone in his eye. “Could be special if there’s more of ‘em coming up. Maybe we’d get a research grant out of the deal, being the ones to find the first one.” he told her.

Kieren’s eyes flashed between them, baffled by what they were discussing. “Excuse me, what are you talking about?” he asked them, finding his voice to be stronger as the haze over him lifted further.

The two exchanged a look. “You don’t know what happened, do you?” the woman asked.

“I tried to kill myself, someone must have found me and brought me here, I suppose?” Kieren asked them. Both of them blanched at what he said. “Where are you going? Hello?” he yelled after them when they left.

Kieren was cursing to himself when he heard footsteps approaching. This time an older man, one who didn’t look to possibly still be in university as the others stood over him. “I know it’s strange being here, but I need to know your name. We can’t find your name on any government websites. We need a legal name, we are just going to help you but can’t unless we know who you are.” he said calmly.

“Shit...” Kieren whispered, realizing his legal name change probably hadn’t yet been approved. He chewed his lip, eyes downcast. “Search Karen Walker... That’s my legal name but I’m... I’m Kieren...”

The man, assumably a doctor, nodded. “Yes... That makes sense.” he muttered to himself. “Well, I mean, it explains a few things.” he spoke more directly to Kieren, giving a shrug to try to excuse any offence. “We weren’t quite sure how to address you is all, Kieren. We had problems placing your name or say... Preferences... In an algorithm to find who you were. But we’ve got all that sorted now, don’t we?” Kieren nodded. “Take it that your parents are Steve and Sue Walker? They’ve been hoping you’d turn up, I’m sure.”

His parents. Kieren suddenly felt sick realizing the worry he must have put them through. They must be worried out of their minds, especially if the doctors hadn’t been able to identify him in order to tell them he was alive. He hadn’t thought of them or Jem when he did what he did. He just needed some kind of relief.

“Can... Can I call them? Tell them I’m alright?” he asked, eyes searching for a phone near him.

The doctor put a hand on his shoulder. “I think it’s best that one of us make the first contact. We don’t want to scare them too much, they’ve probably settled in to thinking that you didn’t make it through the Rising, Kieren.”

His face scrunched in confusion. “The Rising?” he asked. “Is that some kind of doctor lingo for attempted suicide?”

The doctor’s eyes grew wide. “You don’t know what happened... Do you?”

After a long time spent with a slow and carefully calculated explanation, filled to the brim with Kieren’s confusion and wondering if it was some sort of sick joke being given to convince him to never pull a stunt like that again, he finally understood the Rising. He blanched (or would have, if his flesh held any of the blood that once colored it) when he realized his family had seriously thought him dead for good. They had buried him. And now he was back, probably after they had just managed to move on. He didn’t know which guilt was worse to have.

\---

It took a while in the following days to decide what to do with room assignments. Eventually, they found him sitting in the common area alone when Alex, another of the PDS sufferers approached him. They got along well enough, so they let him room in the males dormitories once he was moved from the newly awakened ‘PDS ICU’.

Alex was nice enough, though he admittedly did have a bit of a freak out when he realized that Kieren wasn’t a conventional male. It wasn’t the worst reaction he had gotten though, so he couldn’t complain. At least Alex didn’t openly hate the quiet boy who usually didn’t even speak enough to have the chance to offend anyone.

Group therapy was supposed to help them. It was something like a PTSD or addiction counseling, where they were supposed to recount shared experiences and help each other through it. Their first counselor was a shit mediator some days, but usually he got the job done. Sometimes, he wasn’t enough to keep the group from attacking Kieren, however.

Somehow the word had gotten out that he wasn’t cis, leading to a bit of taunting here and there. When Kieren began having nightmarish flashbacks to the time he spent in his ‘untreated state’ he sought some comfort in the group. He spoke of the crippling guilt and how he felt like all those people he killed were his fault, not the beast he had been. His hands had done it. His hands were stained with the blood of someone who had actually been living and breathing. That was more than he could say he had done.

Many of the people with them nodded along. They easily related to what Kieren was saying. Some of the girls spoke up, saying they understood entirely what he meant. That’s when all hell broke loose.

“You just feel guilty ‘cause you aren’t man enough to realize it was just survival, mate! You were doin’ what you had to to survive!” one of them decreed.

Another of the men laughed. “He’s not man at all, last I checked!” he added to a chorus of taunting laughter. “Look, tryin’ not to cry in front of us ‘cause he’s a big girl...” the same man continued.

Alex punched him square in the jaw.

\---

They didn’t really speak of the incident again once they were moved to their new group, this one lead by Keith and a more friendly seeming group of people. Alex was getting bored of the place though, Kieren could tell. He clearly felt trapped, and not at all safe like Kieren did there. 

At the treatment centre, Kieren was safe. He couldn’t hurt himself, nor could he hurt his family again. It was structured, organized, and above all, a safe haven. He didn’t have to face realities of the outside world like his dead best friend/boyfriend or the little sister he forced to spend years alone. He didn’t have to face how he had torn his family apart. Here he could just heal.

The tension built for Alex, however, just days after they found out they would be returning home. He had snapped at group, then suddenly was snorting something from a blue pill as they went for their last dose at this facility before moving. Kieren thought for sure it would delay their return.

Just his luck, however, he still woke up the next morning to a knock saying, “Kieren, your mum and dad are here.”


	8. Amy

Amy was fantastic. She was all that Kieren could have hoped for in a friend when he returned to Roarton. She was a constant ball of energy and happiness that kept him afloat when all he wanted to do was crawl back into his grave. She challenged him to be a better person and to come out of his shell. He loved her for that.

He loved her for a lot of things. He loved how even when she stood by talking to him while he changed, there was no mention of the scars on his chest. The only scars she mentioned ever were the ones of his wrists, bringing her to near tears as she pulled him into a warm embrace. She had apologized so profusely you would have thought it was her fault she did it. Kieren was just glad for some human contact that didn’t involve flinching away from his icey skin.

Amy understood things with Jem. She knew that the siblings were close, but also knew that now things were more than a bit strained. So she made some lighthearted jokes, trying to win his little sister over back to their side. Maybe in some other life it would work. For now, it wasn’t.

Amy was there with him, sitting in his room when Jem burst in saying that Rick was back. Amy knew a little bit about Rick. She knew that he was the love of Kieren’s life, even if she didn’t think that he deserved her BDFF for even a single moment. She found herself hating the other man because he had hidden Kieren away, he had driven him to feel so hopeless and lost and alone... 

But then again, Kieren spoke nothing but good of him. His bravery, tenderness, and defiance of his father spoke strongly to the fact that Rick Macy put Kieren on a pedestal that he deserved to be on in Amy’s eyes. She just hoped that in both of their second lives, things would be better for both of them.

The pub was definitely a disappointment. As soon as they got there, everyone’s eyes were on the pair and they were soon being escorted by some arsehole who was telling them that they had a segregated section for people like them. Amy stuck her jaw out in defiance as they walked over to the spot, her only hope being that Rick would be there as well so at least Kieren’s night would be made.

She turned her nose up when they were asked to be seated in the hall just outside the bathrooms. It was awful how people could treat other human beings, just because they rose from the grave. It’s not as if any of them chose it. Amy’s second chance at life wasn’t at all what she had hoped. Maybe she wanted back on the bench if they were going to treat her like this.

Then someone walked out of the bathroom. A handsome lad, by any means, Amy would say. His eyes widened when he saw Kieren, and Amy didn’t think he’d ever blink again. He looked like he was staring at a ghost, but this ghost was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. It must be Rick, she reasoned, based on the scars on his face. She figured you’d have a few of those if you died in an IED blast.

 

There was no dramatic reunion kiss shared between the two. No hug in which Kieren jumped into his lover’s arms. No, there was a handshake and a small smile shared between the two. Amy felt sick to her stomach.

There were worse things than running into Rick though, she decided. He was able to get them out of the segregated section, yelling at ‘Lippy’ who was trying to put them there. At least someone in this god awful village understood how to treat someone.

It didn’t take her long to challenge the thought that Rick really knew how to treat someone. Sure, he was laughing and smiling with Kieren, reminiscing on things that they did as kids, some just the two of them, some with that Lippy bloke, but there were a few things that Amy found herself disagreeing with.

There Rick was, telling all these stories that most people would have thrown their arms around their mate they were teasing, and yet Kieren was leaning away from Rick any time he drew nearer because he had been so trained to do that when Bill or other people were around. No one could get any sort of an idea about what happened between them. Then he was also downing pints like nobody’s business. Amy hated that he was trying so hard to fit into the mold of what his father so desperately wanted him to be. She did feel pity for him, though her protective instincts surrounding Kieren made her brush some of that aside for anger.

Then they went off, going to go kill someone that was like them. A rotter they called it. Had they no shame? She glared darts at the back of Rick’s head. If Kieren came back even the slightest bit hurt, there would be hell to pay.

\---

“Why do you put up with that, Kieren Walker? You deserve better than that. Than this... place.” Amy urged him as they sat on the bench waiting for the train to take her out of Roarton. “It’s this place. It’s never going to accept people like us. Never ever.”

“It’ll change Amy. Believe it or not, they used to hate me a lot more around here. Now it’s different at least.” he tried to reason. Amy still looked skeptical. “It... It will. We’ll make it change.” he tried to promise, not wanting to lose his friend.

“No it won’t.” she said with some sense of finality. “I--We need to go somewhere we can be ourselves.” she said sincerely.

“Where’s that?”

She bit her lip, knowing he wouldn’t approve. “The guy with the website... He’s got a commune-”

“Amy!” Kieren interrupted.

“He says he’s got answers! Aren’t you curious why we’re here? Why we came back in the first place?” she implored.

“Course I am!” Kieren told her. “But that guy?”

Amy nodded. “He’s got a community. Lots of people like us up there.” she tried to reason with him.

“He’s bad news.” Kieren warned, sensing he wasn’t getting anywhere with his argument.

“Then come with me!” she begged. “Be my big strong bodyguard!” To emphasize, she puffed up her chest and cheeks, flexing her biceps.

Kieren couldn’t help but break out into laughter. “That’s me, is it?” he asked, doubting he would ever be the big strong body guard in any situation.

“Yep!” Amy told him, doing the impression again. “That’s the best impression of yourself you’ll ever see in your whole second life, Kieren Walker!” she told him. Somehow Kieren doubted it.

A genuine smile was still plastered on his face as he looked at his best friend. “Okay then.” he agreed with a laugh.

“So that’s a definite yes? You’re coming with me?” she asked excitedly, ready to toss out her current ticket in order to help Kieren pack.

The smiled faded from Kieren’s face. “I can’t come with you. Not just yet.” he told her sadly.

“Rick?” she asked, clicking the k. A guilty smile played across Kieren’s face confirming what she assumed. “Seems like a real dickhead if you ask me.”

“It’s just an act he puts on around his dad.” Kieren defended his friend. “It’s mostly when I’m around ‘cause... Bill wanted me and Rick to be together for... A while... but then... I... I couldn’t be who he wanted his son to be with, so he hates me.”

“He seemed like too much of an arse to be alright with his son being with another bloke.” Amy commented. “Seemed like he wouldn’t find that ‘manly’ enough.” she rolled her eyes.

Kieren cleared his throat. “That’s uh... Why he changed his mind. I was... Amy, I was a girl... For a while... Then I just realized I wasn’t at all and Bill found out and...”

Amy pulled him into a hug. When he relaxed and the hug broke up, Amy spoke up. “Think he’ll change too?” she asked gently.

“Yes.” Kieren said softly as the train approached.

“You’re such a soppy optimist, Kieren Walker!” Amy accused, the mood lightening some as she pinched his cheeks.

“Optimist?” Kieren asked, feigning offence. “Amy, I killed myself!”

“Alright, an optimist with depressive tendencies.” she reasoned with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Kieren glanced to the train that was coming to a halt. “I’ll be depressed if you leave.” he said quietly.

“You’ve a family. I don’t have that. And as much as I adore staring at your pretty face all day, I need something like it.” she told him.

Kieren struggled to find something, anything to keep his friend from leaving. “Your medication.” he started, “We have to take our shots every day. Wh- wh- what are you going to do about that?”

“Guy with the website, he’s got tons of the stuff stockpiled.” she told him. She felt awful at the way his shoulders slumped, but she knew that she had to go. “Don’t be so glum, Kieren Walker. I’ll be back. We’ve got a wedding to go to anyway.” she tried to cheer him up.

“Wedding?” Kieren asked, confused. He tried to sort through in his mind who he knew that was getting married.

“Ours, dum-dum!” she proclaimed. She pulled Kieren into a tight embrace, holding onto her friend for dear life, not wanting to see the sadness in his smile.

“You be careful, you hear? I mean it.” Kieren told her as she let go, ready to step aboard the train.

She nodded as she climbed on, quickly moving to the window to wave goodbye. Kieren watched as she faded into the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so there should be one chapter left (Simon) so I hope you guys are still liking it! I'm sorry that this didn't exactly turn out as I planned but hopefully you guys are alright with that haha. Once this one is over, I'll be starting up with Somewhere In Neverland (ATRHHIS's sequel) for real this time, I promise! Thanks as usual for reading, you guys rock :)


	9. Simon

Kieren liked to think that it didn’t terrify him when Simon assured him that Amy told him what had happened with the Macy’s. He liked to imagine that ice didn’t run through his veins as he felt almost certain that Amy had told everyone she met that he was what he was. He knew he shouldn’t be ashamed, but a part of him still was.

It came as a shock when Amy told him that she never would have outed him to anyone. He felt relief wash over him as he discovered he could wait and tell the boy--no, man-- he was interested in on his own terms. And yet here he was, months after a relationship formed between the two, and he hadn’t brought it up yet.

He wasn’t hiding it from Simon, persay, but it didn’t feel like it had an appropriate time to bring it up yet. Amy and Rick had been the only two people he had deliberately told, but they were both gone. He couldn’t ask their advice on how to do it. He didn’t know how awful it had gone with them. And god, he was terrified to tell Jem that it hadn’t come up. She was already planning their wedding in light of Amy being gone and unable to.

There hadn’t really been any reason to, he supposed. Sure, he and Simon were very close, but with their shared mourning of Amy, they were taking most parts of the relationship very slowly. Kieren liked it that way, there was no pressure to make everything so perfect. His only other relationship had been crammed into a few hours a week in a small cave. He liked how this was able to play out however they each wanted in as much time as they needed. Simon’s other relationships had been in dark alleys to get his next hit. He certainly preferred this way of slowly getting to know Kieren. He had never really done that with someone before.

They were intimate in some senses of the word, but it wasn’t as if they had the ability to be intimate in a more typical way. The logistics of not having a bloodflow worked in Keiren’s favor as there was no need for an explanation.

It had almost happened the night after Amy’s funeral. It was the first night they shared a bed, too overcome by their grief to dare part. Kieren was glad it hadn’t gone far as they were in his parent’s home, too grief stricken to return to the bungalow where Amy would be the only thing that would be able to be on either of their minds.

They held each other closely the whole night, crying tears that they couldn’t produce as Kieren’s hand shook uncontrollably. Each of them reasoned that it was something that the body did when it was in grief. it didn’t cross either of their minds that Amy had done the same thing not long before she died a real death with blood pumping through her veins.

Simon held Kieren still, trying to relieve the tremors with a firm grip on the other’s arms. He held him at arm’s length, a look of fear on his face as he worried that Kieren would be torn apart again as he had been with Rick’s passing. Simone didn’t think he could face the prospect of losing Kieren. He was all he had left on the face of this planet. He was brave, and beautiful, and so incredible. Simon decided to be a little more like Kieren.

He swooped in, pressing his lips to Kieren’s, earning a soft surprised noise. It didn’t take long for the younger man to return the kiss though, a feverish need in both of their movements. Simon had Kieren pinned loosely to the bed within moments, hungrily kissing him as Kieren wrapped himself tightly against Simon, not letting the Irishman leave any space between them.

It was a simultaneous realization how far they were going. Both of their lips slowed to a halt before Simon slowly lifted his head. Kieren slowly untangled himself from Simon as they both looked into pinprick white eyes that practically glowed in the darkness, searching for something in the other.

“I’m sorry...” Simon whispered, rolling off of Kieren and turning to sleep.

It had been the closest they had gotten to Kieren needed to explain anything to Simon. He still lived at home with his family, despite all of Jem’s teasing about only using home as a place to have more closet space. He was able to have his time away from Simon, time to think on his own as he needed. He found himself needing it less and less, however as time went on. He started craving more time with Simon even as he walked home to share a family dinner before returning to his boyfriend’s residence.

They made it official almost three months to the day of Amy’s passing, packing up all of Kieren’s things and taking them to the bungalow. Sue cried as her oldest child packed to move, even if it was just a few blocks down. Steve still wasn’t the best with emotions, only beaming widely and offering a hand to Simon, telling him to treat his son well.

It wasn’t really that much of a change for them to be living together. The only real difference was that Kieren didn’t have as many moments of privacy as he was accustomed to. He reasoned that what Simon did or didn’t observe wouldn’t be the end of the world. And living with a boyfriend who was older than him and much, much older fashioned left Kieren the liberty to take as many private moments as he needed without an obtrusive eye. Simon didn’t even comment on it.

There wasn’t much going on in the sleepy town of Roarton. Simon had found a job working at a bookstore one train stop away, so his days were mostly spent there. Kieren took his old position back at the Legion for something to do. He didn’t want to force Simon to pay for everything of theirs, and even though his art was starting to sell, it wasn’t as much as he would have liked alone.

It was one day when Simon came home from work that he walked in to see Kieren painting. His usual crisp lines were shaky, and Simon could see the tremors still working in Kieren’s hands. Worriedly, he reached out to Kieren.

“Kier...?” he asked his boyfriend. Kieren jumped, startled, before turning around. Simon gasped, grabbing the tissues from the end table, hastily rushing them to Kieren’s face. “Are you alright, Kieren?” he asked as he dabbed at Kieren’s upper lip.

Kieren was dumbfounded. “I... I don’t know.” he breathed, feeling his anxiety rise.

Simon reached out to cup Kieren’s cheek in his hand to comfort him, but the other flinched away. “I’m sorry, Kieren... I just...” Simon apologized sadly, not sure why his boyfriend would do that to him. Was something seriously wrong with him? Did he need to see Dr. Russo?

A look of realization flashed across Kieren’s face as he pulled Simon’s hand back to his face. “Simon!” he exclaimed, suddenly beaming. “Your hand... it’s cold. Simon, it’s cold!” he said excitedly, leaning into the touch as much as he could.

By the end of the night, Kieren had confessed to several attempts at eating in the past few days and his need to layer more not just because of appearances but because he actually had been feeling some chills. He nearly started crying as he realized what was happening. His body was waking up. Two of the people he loved never got to experience it, and yet here he was with the man he now loved, his heart slowly but surely thudding in his chest. He cried into Simon’s shoulder.

Simon spent the night running his fingers through Kieren’s hair, rubbing his neck and back, and most of all kissing him for all he was worth. Kieren worked on memorizing each and every sensation as they overloaded his newly rebooted senses. When Simon kissed at his collarbone, the same spot Rick had always known to be so sensitive, he gasped out audibly.

“Simon... Simon, let me touch you.” he laughed when the Irishman kept sucking at the spot. He didn’t want to find out if he could get a hickey yet.

Simon looked up at him and frowned. “Kieren, I can’t feel anything yet...” he muttered, his Irish drawl more prominent than usual.

“But I can feel you.” Kieren insisted. “Please?” he asked. Simon nodded.

The first thing Kieren traced was the smooth, cool marble of Simon’s cheek, where in a previous life a few days worth of stubble would have adorned. He ran his fingers against the skin of Simon’s lips, wondering how they would feel once warmed and against his own. He didn’t have to wait to discover the second, so he leaned in, quickly kissing him. His hands finally wandered up to the seemingly permanent creases on Simon’s forehead. With a gentle hand he smoothed them as well as he could, looking Simon directly in the eyes. Pinprick white or slightly brown, each set of eyes held the same expression: wonder.

Simon would take another few weeks to have similar symptoms to Kieren’s. By then, most of the PDS of Roarton were back to their pre-death selves. His heart started twenty days after Kieren’s, coming to life as they lazed on the couch, watching some awful movie with Jem and Steve. He hadn’t freaked out about the realization, just took Kieren’s hand that he had already been grasping and moved it to his chest so his boyfriend could feel his heart sputtering back to life.

It was dark when they returned to the bungalow. Kieren had almost suggested that they just crash in his childhood bedroom because it was so late, but Simon seemed antsy to get home, so Kieren just squeezed his hand as they briskly walked home.

They no sooner had entered the doorway than Simon pressed Kieren to the wall, kissing him for all he was worth. Kieren’s surprised yelp was muffled by Simon’s lips as they truly felt for the first time what it was like to kiss his own boyfriend. Kieren nipped at Simon’s lips, only to be pressed more firmly to the wall.

“I love you, Kieren.” Simon told him in a husky voice. His lips were swollen and red, his chest practically heaving as he looked into Kieren’s eyes.

Kieren smiled up at him, stretching up to kiss the corner of his jaw. “I love you too, Simon.” he responded, running his hands down Simon’s sides. He pulled him down for another heated kiss, with no protest to be seen from Simon who eagerly reciprocated.

When both were out of breath, Simon took half a step back to take Kieren’s hand and lead him to the bedroom. Kieren followed closely behind, playing with Simon’s thumb as a means to just let him feel after such a long stretch of numbness. He practically giggled at Simon’s reaction to the softness of the bed as he sat on it before pulling Kieren into his lap, smiling. Kieren did laugh when only one of Simon’s hands were on his hip, the other was feeling the silkiness of the sheets beneath them.

He didn’t hesitate when Simon began to slip his hands under his t-shirt. He was soon unbuttoning Simon’s dress shirt that he always wore to family dinners despite Kieren telling him that it wasn’t necessary; his family already loved him. Once both of their shirts were removed, Kieren realized one thing that might cause a slight complication.

Simon had his fingers in Kieren’s belt loops, searching for Kieren’s eyes for some sort of permission. When Kieren finally looked him square in the eye, he hadn’t needed to even shake his head for Simon to understand.

“It’s alright, Kieren. Don’t worry, love.” he whispered quietly to his boyfriend, kissing him more sweetly. He spent the rest of the night tightly cuddled with Kieren and reassuring him the same thing over and over until they both slept.

\---

“Kieren, can we talk about last night?” Simon asked the next day over their breakfast. “I completely understand and I love you no matter what, but we need to talk more, yeah?” he gently smiled.

A whirlwind of lies came to Kieren’s mind. He wondered in Simon would buy it if he said that he had never been interested in something of that nature briefly before considering just saying he wasn’t ready. He remembered the spat that happened the last time they lied to each other though. Sure, maybe Simon would never find out, but he worried that another lie between them would end their relationship.

Simon looked at Kieren expectantly. When he saw the hesitation, however, he eased off, knowing that he may need time or space to figure out what exactly to say. Simon was alright with that. He just wanted some honest discussion between them.

Kieren took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I knew that I was different, back when I was probably around ten. Didn’t think much of it until I was thirteen and some stuff was happening and I just... I couldn’t lie anymore, you know?” Kieren asked rhetorically. Simon nodded along with the story, moving closer to take Kieren’s hand supportively. “Then Jem found out, and next thing I know, my parents, and Rick, and his parents...” Kieren cringed and swallowed. “I talked to Amy about it, I just... Simon, I’ve been so afraid to tell you.” he said, tears threatening to fall from his lashes.

Simon ran his fingers through Kieren’s hair, gently kissing his forehead. “You don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything, Kieren.” he comforted.

Simon didn’t have the heart to flinch away when Kieren squeezed his hand almost painfully tight before speaking again. “Simon, I’m trans. I just... I’ve-”

Kieren was cut off by Simon kissing him, cupping his face just as he nearly always did. It was such a comfort to Kieren to be held in just the same way by the same man who he loved. When Simon moved away, it was only slightly. Their foreheads remained pressed together as they breathed each other’s air.

“Kieren, that doesn’t matter.” Simon told him gently. “It only matters because it’s made you who you are, the precise man who I love more than anything else.” he pecked Kieren on the lips softly. “You’re incredible, Kieren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all, folks! Thanks for sticking around and reading it all, I hope the ending wasn't too disappointing. I spent so long mulling over details and stuff, and in the end when I was writing the flow of it took it in a different direction than planned but I think this is probably better. Either that or I don't want to rewrite the chapter (just kidding, if it was that bad I wouldn't post it). Thanks for all the kudos and kind comments throughout, you guys are the best!


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